Hahahahaha that’s cause HYPE’s done!

As in it’s completed in its editing and design and stuff, and over the next week or so I’ll be uploading posts and promoting the contests that we have! Hehe. We have quite a lot like a pair of SINGfest tickets, Tokio Hotel Special Limited Edition CD + DVDs, tickets to plays, food vouchers and stuff. Thinking about it now, I don’t think we’ve done too shabby a job. The content could be improved, of course, in certain areas, but no one’s perfect. D:

Everything now hinges on HYPE being printed out on time. I mean like, we’ve sent for colourproofing already, and all that’s left now is to check it later (we’re heading down to the printers) and if everything’s fine, we can send it to print straightaway! I really hope it’s all right!

I feel quite cheery thinking about it like this, though that might be the caffeine messing with my head. It’s 3.39 am and I’m feeling quite awake, strangely. I blame the fact that I had to go and try that icky Hazelnut Latte from Tom N Toms. It was a pretty strange coffee. I didn’t like it at all.

And I think I’ve managed to separate my heart from my head? Hur. I mean, I no longer feel weird and stuff about my emotional thingies now, and it’s like, I dunno. I guess I’ve rationalised things in my head? I mean, I listed out all the cons of why I shouldn’t give into emotion in this case, and it’s helped, really. It makes it easier to focus on the negative stuff, though the positive things still happen everyday.

I’m still a girl, though, so I dream of that day when I’ll find that right person for me. Hur. Don’t laugh! It’s perfectly natural k.

Moving on though, now all that’s left for internship is Triiiiibuuuuuneeeeeee. D: D: D: D: D:

Articles to edit and proofread and zomg I feel a headache coming on again. After HYPE it feels like all the energy’s been sapped out of me. D:

So soooooooorrrrrrrrryyyyy for this lack of motivation JYYYYYY. D:

Oh, and today I went home. My mum’s finally reached her limit – she can’t stand me staying over at the Loft anymore. She was going on about how I MUST go home this Friday and stay at home over the weekends. LOL. Then aiyah, same old things lor. What else would a parent say.

“Is this really what you want to do? Work until no day no night. If this is how it is like in school, then wouldn’t you die if you worked in the industry?! MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Drink plenty of water. Don’t give me surprise present ah. Save money, eat bread.”

LOL. And yes, that surprise present <= grandkid on the way ahahahahhaaha.

Of course not la! Siao. No boyfriend, why the heck would I go out and shag a random stranger and get myself knocked up ya. D:

Speaking of getting knocked up, HUR. I’ve received interesting news that apparently one of my secondary school acquaintances did just that and is now the proud mother of a cute 8-month-old baby. Oh, and married too. I mean, it’s just… WOAH.

A bit hard to digest, seeing as it’s only been 3 years since we all graduated from sec school. And yet, so much has changed.

Anyway, back to my mum.

MUMMY, WHY YOU THINK SO LITTLE OF ME ONE?!?!?!?! D: D: D:

I feel depressed now. LOL. K. Was just joking. Enough of the dramz already. I shall go back to editing and be a productive person, unlike my designer, D, and the rest of the other editors who are sleeping. LOL. JK.

It doesn’t seem to die away despite my attempts to fight them. I wish I knew what was going on in your head. I wish I could stop this heartache. I wish you would talk to me. I wish you’d tell me your secrets, ’cause I’d tell you mine if you asked. It doesn’t look like we’re ever going to happen, so I’m still trying to give up on these hopeless feelings that plague me.

It hurts.

I don’t know. It would make things so much easier if there was a right thing for everything. You’d know if you were doing it wrong, and what you should aspire to be.

I don’t know. This is yet another half baked thought I couldn’t articulate properly. Like the many other things I can’t say properly, like the many other things I’m not doing right, like the many other things I shouldn’t be feeling.

Am I too direct in my way of speaking? Is it too blunt, too harsh, too forward? I don’t know. Should I be more subtle? How do I do so? I don’t know. All I know is that this is just how I speak.

As for HYPE, I don’t want to think about it for a little while. I just want to- I don’t know what.

And as for my feelings, well, it’s easy. It’s over and done with. I’m not going to think about it any longer. There’s no reciprocal feelings, and frankly, I don’t blame him. With a person like me who’s flawed in so many different ways and no redeeming qualities of any sort, even I wouldn’t be interested in me. All signs I’d thought I’d seen were naught but my own delusions, lying to me in the hopes of finding a partner, at last. Lmao. Of course it isn’t going to happen la!

Ah well. That’s the end of it. No more strange feelings clogging up my mind and preventing me from doing the things I should be doing.

I guess it’s called giving up.

Beauty emanates from every word that you say
You’ve captured the deepest thoughts
In the purest, and simplest of ways
But you see, I’m not that graceful, Like you
Nor am I as eloquent
But just a simple melody
Can change the way that you see me

And right now, I have you
For a moment I can tell I’ve got you
Cuz your lips don’t move
And something is happening
Cuz your eyes tell me the truth
I’ve put a spell over you

And that I’m not going to think about anything. Despite what Shamus said last night. That’s the only way to get through this without it turning into another Spike D. So I’m going to try. I’m going to try not to think about anything except work.

Sigh.

Wish me luck in that.

(via ifyoufeelalive)

Well there’s nothing to lose
And there’s nothing to prove
I’ll be dancing with myself
- Dancing with Myself by Billy Idol

If keeping a stalemate keeps me in a neutral (read: numb) state of mind, then I’m perfectly fine with it. If it means nothing to me, then it doesn’t bother me. So that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself.

It means nothing to me. Nothing.

The only good thing about going back to this line of thinking?

I’ll stop getting angry, and I’ll stop wanting to correct her (which, from her POV probably reads: accuse her of something in which she’s innocent), and I’ll stop wasting my time telling her that the path she’s headed down is… to put nicely, the long way filled with obstacles and tricksters attempting to sway her off the path into Death’s arms.

There’s no point in bothering or caring. It’s not wanted or needed. And it’s fine, really. I’ll just stop wasting my time and energy.

In short, I’m going back to dancing with myself.

I’m happier at the office, I smile more at the office, I joke a lot more and I have more fun at the office. Funny how the office seems to be a dreaded place for the rest of my peers, while for me, it’s a place where life’s brighter and happier and better.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll become a workaholic. After all, if I could, I’d work all the time if it could make me this happy. Happier than I’m at home anyway.

Sigh. Whatever. My internet’s being a bitch again so once I upload this, I’m going to go work on something else and not think about how it would be like if I decided to stop in the middle of the road one day and just let the car come be productive.

So anyway, today I went to work as usual to my swanky cool office, and went to work on the design for our haus stylesheet. And it feels as though that’s all I’ve done today!

Yes, I sort of had Lady Gaga’s “Haus of Gaga” thing in my
head when I was doing this.

‘Course, design isn’t easy (I bet Melvin & Dawn can tell you that) – you’ve got to have an idea of how you want to work things out; OR how your client – in their case – wants it to be like. Luckily for me, I’ve got pretty much full control of how I wanted it to look like.

I also did my emails and helped to edit some stuff, and oh boy am I getting the hang of it. I still feel a bit unsure because in some ways, I can’t believe I’m actually allowed to edit. It’s usually the the teachers in that role. Editing and rewriting the stuff sometimes makes me feel like I’m taking advantage of the other person, and also like I’m disregarding their opinions – which does seem that way because I would be changing what they wrote.

But I’ve got to learn to get over it, since it’s part of the job. I’ve got full reigns to do whatever I want – with the condition that it looks better than it was originally. It’d be insanely cool if not for the heavy mantle of responsibility reminding me that THIS IS WORK DON’T PLAY PLAY AH YOUNG GIRL.

Two weeks have already flown by, and we’re left with only 16 weeks! (The other two are printing weeks, so they’re not included.) I don’t know how the bloody hell we’ll be able to produce a magazine and two newspapers during this period of time. It feels like there’s never going to be enough time. Time seems to be running out and I feel like I’m fighting against time.

For now, though, I don’t really want my internship to end. I enjoy working with my friends, looking forward to lunch, gossiping about our boss behind his back (Dallas alert! Dallas alert! ^^), having lunch together, and discussing different ideas for our project…

To all my friends… this one’s for you.

PS: I’ve still got that horrible feeling that I’m never gonna live past 20 or something, and that urge to do as much as possible while lots of highly graphic & morbid thoughts float around my head but… whatever.

Happy Good Friday, people!

Anywho, lately I’ve been feeling extremely inspired to write. It’s like my writer’s block just dissipated into thin air and I somehow keep finding that, yes, surprisingly, I do have an opinion.

It probably sounds a bit strange, but it’s just the plain sad truth. Sometimes I feel like I’m worthless, useless, and not fit to take on responsibilities of any sort. I’m sure most of you would have felt that way at some point in time. I don’t know why, but I just feel so insecure that I undermine myself and distrust my own opinions.

At times I would realise that I’ve got something to say (usually because I object), but then there’s this harsh evil little voice that crushes that idea in my head. I can’t help it, but I hate it. Have you ever felt as though your idea wasn’t good enough? And when you feel that way, you just kind of give up because it’s like this evil vicious cycle.

Since your idea isn’t good enough, you don’t speak up, and when you don’t, you feel as though you have nothing to say and then you end up feeling that the other people who DARE to speak up are cooler than you instead?

Ever get that feeling? Yeah. That’s mostly how my head’s been running for the past few months. I’m not too sure what started it, but somehow I just got really harsh on myself. I started pre-judging everything I thought about, and just as that thought was blooming I would immediately quash it because it WAS. JUST. NO. GOOD.

Nothing was ever good in my head. Nothing. And I hate it. I HATE that feeling. I hate it I hate it I hate it SO much.

I hate feeling like I’m worthless. Like I’m useless. Because I KNOW I’m not. I know that I’m pretty darn good. I know that I AM worthy. Useful. Smart even, at times.

And then today I attended the Inkside Story course at *SCAPE, which was pretty cool by the way – we had the TNP Chief Editor Ken Jalleh speaking and he’s like, this totally kool cat. Miaow. And then Ken was saying that to be a journalist, you’ve got to be Cool, Curious and Confident.

Ok I might be wrong, since I can’t particularly remember what he said now, but somehow that 3 Cs message just got through. And I want to be confident. I want to be sure of myself. I want to believe in myself. I want to stop chaining myself down. I want to leap into a world of possibilities and not have my inner voice pulling me down back to earth, limiting me from what I could be. Can be.

If only I could just break free.

So it’s time for me to try Defying Gravity.

And no one, not even the leetle voice in my head, will bring me down.

“I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game… It’s time to trust my instincts… I’m through with accepting limits ‘cause someone says they’re so… Some things I cannot change, but ‘till I try I’ll never know… I think I’ll try defying gravity, and YOU won’t bring me down.”

- Defying Gravity (lyrics)

I’m using Google Reader, so every day I’d get like this, influx of fashion blog posts (they have up to 5 posts a day or something! I think it’s fashion week now?) and I’d just scroll through ‘em, and click if I like their pictures. Or if their post sounds interesting. But anyways, here are some of the pictures I like!

Looking at this dress makes me think of sparrows and skies and grey clouds all at once. I feel as though I could lose myself in the depths of her skirt and never come out. Plus, it helps that the model is pretty.

This one is another picture I really like. It’s not so much the clothes, but the expression of the blonde girl. She has that slightly innocent air around her, and looking into the camera she almost seems to say, “Oh look, there’s a camera pointing this way.”

Initially, I thought I was drawn to this picture because of the clothes the girl at the right was wearing. Turns out, it’s the same model from the picture above! I guess she just really has it. That ability to make her expression seem so natural despite being in a shoot.

And finally. Those eyes! And lips! Why does he have such awesome complexion? Just look at that boy! He looks as though he’s that charming rogue who goes about sweeping ladies off their feet. So…. cute… Okay. I think I’ll end the post for now.

So that I can stare into his blue, blue eyes. :S

PS: That is Nicholas Hoult, by the way. And he’s twenty~ And here’s an entertaining interview of his I found. (: