17.Mar.2010 Defying Gravity

Hello! How have you been doing? It feels like such a long time since I’ve blogged over here. Of course, a girl must have her writing outlet, so I do have other places when I vent out my emotions that aren’t too polite for company, and some places where I write professionally. Sort of. I think I’m just an amateur, for now, but I’ll work my way up to the professional level eventually! Just you watch.

Anywho, lately I’ve been feeling extremely inspired to write. It’s like my writer’s block just dissipated into thin air and I somehow keep finding that, yes, surprisingly, I do have an opinion.

It probably sounds a bit strange, but it’s just the plain sad truth. Sometimes I feel like I’m worthless, useless, and not fit to take on responsibilities of any sort. I’m sure most of you would have felt that way at some point in time. I don’t know why, but I just feel so insecure that I undermine myself and distrust my own opinions.

At times I would realise that I’ve got something to say (usually because I object), but then there’s this harsh evil little voice that crushes that idea in my head. I can’t help it, but I hate it. Have you ever felt as though your idea wasn’t good enough? And when you feel that way, you just kind of give up because it’s like this evil vicious cycle.

Since your idea isn’t good enough, you don’t speak up, and when you don’t, you feel as though you have nothing to say and then you end up feeling that the other people who DARE to speak up are cooler than you instead?

Ever get that feeling? Yeah. That’s mostly how my head’s been running for the past few months. I’m not too sure what started it, but somehow I just got really harsh on myself. I started pre-judging everything I thought about, and just as that thought was blooming I would immediately quash it because it WAS. JUST. NO. GOOD.

Nothing was ever good in my head. Nothing. And I hate it. I HATE that feeling. I hate it I hate it I hate it SO much.

I hate feeling like I’m worthless. Like I’m useless. Because I KNOW I’m not. I know that I’m pretty darn good. I know that I AM worthy. Useful. Smart even, at times.

And then today I attended the Inkside Story course at *SCAPE, which was pretty cool by the way – we had the TNP Chief Editor Ken Jalleh speaking and he’s like, this totally kool cat. Miaow. And then Ken was saying that to be a journalist, you’ve got to be Cool, Curious and Confident.

Ok I might be wrong, since I can’t particularly remember what he said now, but somehow that 3 Cs message just got through. And I want to be confident. I want to be sure of myself. I want to believe in myself. I want to stop chaining myself down. I want to leap into a world of possibilities and not have my inner voice pulling me down back to earth, limiting me from what I could be. Can be.

If only I could just break free.

So it’s time for me to try Defying Gravity.

And no one, not even the leetle voice in my head, will bring me down.

“I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game… It’s time to trust my instincts… I’m through with accepting limits ‘cause someone says they’re so… Some things I cannot change, but ‘till I try I’ll never know… I think I’ll try defying gravity, and YOU won’t bring me down.”

- Defying Gravity (lyrics)